By Sudharsun
Om Guruji Sundaramurthy Swamigale Namaha
This article is a humble offering at the lotus feet of our beloved Guruji, Guruji Sundar.
Prelude:
I yearn to serve my Guruji
in every possible manner
I know that being with Guruji
alone is benediction
alone is a blessing
When I come out, I feel that
My longing is not enough
I long that my longing
is only longing
to be with Guruji
Trashing enlightenment away;
Trashing everything, including God away;
Only serving and being with Guruji
is my dream...
Should God give me rebirth
I wish to be born as a small inanimate thing
as a door mat present in the abode of Guruji
That is enough....!
To my beloved Guruji:
I thank the motherly existence for orchestrating this drama of life and connecting me to my beloved Guruji. It is impossible for me to repay what Guruji has given to me. Existence can be thanked, but Guruji is beyond my quality of thankfulness. I am nothing but dust, and Guruji has made me something out of the dust. That is why He is Brahma, the creator.
Whenever I am with Guruji, I feel that I indeed am. Without Guruji, I do not feel the ‘I am’. Guruji is an embodiment of wholeness. I always feel as a wholesome entity when I am with Guruji. When I am with Guruji, I experience many unthinkable experiences which make me realise that a supreme soul exists; however, in the form of our beloved Guruji.
When I am with Guruji, I am brought to the present moment, eradicating my past and future. Guruji does not belong to time. When I am with Guruji, I feel very pure, and my mind is always contemplating divinity. When I am with Guruji, there happens a secret yet divine love
affair.
When Guruji speaks, tells, commands, scolds, communicates in silence, gestures… it is only out of sheer love and compassion. The energy of love bursts in all his actions. How blessed and fortunate I am when he fills my empty heart with love. It makes me think of being a female, totally vulnerable, so that Guruji can destroy me completely with his compassion, so that I cease to exist, and only the presence of Guruji exists.
Guruji is lord Shiva, who destroys everything in me. When Guruji touches me when he blesses, my being is quivered with love energy so much that it reflects in every cell of my body and brings me into such an ecstasy for which I can long, yearn and wait for many births. When I become very open and vulnerable towards Guruji, he makes all the moves in my life. When I lose all direction, he gives me a direction.
Living with Guruji is dangerous, as he only acts in the present moment. It may bring any possibility, and I trust Guruji for my life because of the love that he showers on me. Living with Guruji is like walking on the razor’s edge, as my mistakes are automatically brought to light. Living with Guruji is like living in the warmth of the sun, as the sun is the source of energy for all life on earth.
Subhuti is only the vehicle, but Guruji is the source. But my benevolent Guruji made me glimpse the ‘I’, the source, the primordial form of existence that manifests in me and every living being out of sheer compassion by imparting. Even if I do 100 years of meditation, I
cannot experience that state. This much I know. All of my spiritual experiences have been imparted by Guruji.
When Guruji closes his eyes for disciples like me, he expands his being and
experiences also. Guruji taught me bhakthi and the art of connecting and communicating with the supreme Goddess Kamakshi. Guruji showed me a glimpse of the madness called bhakthi when he imparted to me in Kamakshi Devi Temple. Guruji taught me the art of touching the motherly existence that surrounds us. Guruji taught me the art of being aware in Jeeva Samadhi temples so much that when a saint comes in astral body out of his Samadhi, I know it.
When I apply oil to Guruji’s feel I am immersed in the warmth of Guruji so much that I feel it in my head and all around my body. When I oil the feet of Guruji, my being becomes fresh like the morning dew. I feel that the pure feeling of ‘I’ becomes prominent. It is a secret love affair without expectation, and much more is thrown as a morsel to me. It is a very blissful experience for me, and I long to apply oil for Guruji’s feet. Beloved Guruji, I want to be your slave. I should be on your feet. You should stamp on my head. I am an invertebrate.
Beloved Guruji, praying to you to shower upon me thy love. I do not want any experience, but I want to be enslaved at your feet. Even when I am thrown to the canine dogs called the outside world, maya or samsara, my heart should always be protected by your remembrance.
Guruji, you are Lord Vishnu, the protector of the weak and meek in me. When I am in peril, you are my peace. When I am scattered in maya, you are my refuge. When I am burnt in samsara, you are my only healing. Oh, beloved Guruji, you never forsake me. I pray I should not forsake your name that is constantly ringing in my heart. I do not think about being born many times and hacked to death in the mithya, but my prayer is to be a small character, a small butterfly or insect that is given moksha in front of you.
Years back, I saw a snake which was seriously wounded. When the last light of its eyes dimmed, you were near it, seeing it die. Beloved Guruji, whatever I am, however I am, and wherever I am, in the last moment of my death, when everything ends, my prayer is for your holiness to see me die. Yes, I want to die in front of your eyes. That is all, Guruji.
Beloved Guruji, I know that I am desiring too much. If you are not seeing me physically die, my prayer to you is just drop some ash of your smoked cigarette in my tombstone, so
that even my bones get blessed with immortality. Your eyes and your smile keep blooming in my heart. I long at the doorstep waiting for your darshan. Sometimes I do not get the opportunity, but I long to see your car at least when it takes you on the road, which makes me blissful.
Beloved Guruji, your speech and words make my love affair continue with greater depth when I listen to your discourse or read your words. Beloved Guruji, by your grace and by your blessings, when I accompany you on your trips, when it comes to an end, it makes and increases my longing and sadness. Be it a few hours or days, I am filled with bliss with your holy and loving presence, and then when I depart, I am thrown out to the world of emptiness and darkness.
Beloved Guruji, you are the light of my life. Beloved Guruji, I yearn to become a female, and you should lift me in your arms, for I do not want more.
