How to Control Your Emotions: What to Do When Difficult Feelings Take Over

Anger flares at a harsh word, sadness settles in after an insult, and a cheerful mood can turn heavy within minutes. Knowing how to control your emotions matters at exactly these moments, and the way to do so needs no suppression. It consists of seeing an emotion clearly, giving it time to pass and acting only once the mind has settled.

Why Do Emotions Take Over So Easily?

The mind runs on a fixed pattern. Praise delights it, an insult saddens it, and a scolding angers it. A happy mind is at ease with the people near it, a sad mind is swallowed by sorrow and finds no joy in company, and an angry mind plans revenge or looks for a way to show its anger. In every state it insists that only its own self matters and that it stands above everyone else.

Sudden shifts in mood have another cause. A mind that was cheerful a moment ago and turns sad all of a sudden is being affected by somebody else's mind, because thoughts travel from one mind to another. During a mood swing, the person affected is also unconscious of what is happening between the two poles, which is why an emotion seems to take over without any choice.

Is Suppressing an Emotion the Same as Controlling It?

Suppression works against control, because it hides an emotion without ending it. Every person wears a mask shaped by society, and the true feelings behind it get no room to show. They are not erased, because they gather in the unconscious mind. The mind is a vessel with a fixed capacity, and when suppressed feelings pass that limit, it bursts out. Over-suppressed emotion brings stress and ailments, mainly digestive and abdominal ones, and the mental disorders so common today come from an overstressed mind.

Forcing the mind into silence fails in the same manner. The instinct of a person who has just learnt to watch the mind is to stop it, and the inner traffic only multiplies. Blaming the mind or trying to conquer it is foolish too, since the mind is what brought the person to meditation in the first place, and a mind pushed down erupts in other ways.

How Can a Person Control Emotions in the Moment?

Watch the mind and its pattern for as long as the emotion lasts. Watching reveals the moment an emotion begins in the mind, and once it is seen, it vanishes. The same holds for an emotional outburst, a mood shift and a bout of anger. Anger also has a direct route, which is to see it with awareness and detach from it until the person has stepped out of it.

This works because an emotion is not the self. As HH Guruji Sundar says, "You are not the mind." With steady practice, a meditator recognises that neither thoughts nor emotions make up the self. Slowly, a distance is created between the person and the fluctuations of the mind. Thoughts, emotions and feelings are watched from that distance, without suppressing or interfering, and the meditator becomes a silent witness.

How Does the Breath Help Calm Anger?

The breath follows the mood of the mind, and in anger the breathing turns rapid and shallow. Regulating the breath watchfully is an easier, indirect route to calm. The anger subsides gradually, and the mind settles along with it. The connection runs both ways, because a mind watched with awareness makes the breath smooth.

Should a Person Act While an Emotion Is at Its Peak?

Acting at the peak of an emotion goes against the way the mind works. The mind swings between a negative and a positive phase, and in the darker one it blames, exaggerates and lists a hundred faults in the person who caused the hurt. Take no decision and take no action in that state, and do not fight the mind either. Listen to it with patience and wait, because the mind exhausts its negativity and turns by itself. It then speaks of the other person's good qualities and asks for the matter to be dropped. The sinner in the mind speaks first, and the saint comes forward afterwards, so silence belongs to the early stretch and an answer to the later one.

Harsh action taken in the dark phase does not end the matter. The mind carries on, turns against the person for the deed and asks why patience was not kept.

One revered saint is remembered for his method. When he was scolded or blamed, he listened to everything, moved away in silence and waited for a full day. He then returned and answered, saying that he had waited a whole day and that nothing clouded his judgement any longer. Acting on impulse is a reaction, while acting after the wait is a response, and a yogi responds to a situation and never reacts.

Swami Vivekananda advised that a person weighed down by anger or sorrow should not step out into the open. A thought is the person's own until it is let out, and afterwards it belongs to the world, just as a spoken word cannot be taken back. The way through such a storm is to meditate.

How Does Meditation Change the Way Emotions Behave?

Meditation is a fire that burns away negative emotions and qualities, and it is the antidote to poisons such as anger, wrath, lust and jealousy. Awareness arises from meditation, and awareness alone reveals the nature of the mind.

Leave the mind in its natural state, let it wander and keep on meditating. The impressions it carries burn away in that fire; the mind comes under control by itself, and it finds its eternal and peaceful state.

At the early stage of meditation at the Ajna chakra, the brow centre, a seeker can turn short-tempered, and a volatile surge of anger can peak and vanish within a second, leaving no ill effect. The chakras are initiated by a Guru's grace.

Is There a Right Place for Anger?

Anger has a right place: it serves as an accessory for expressing dislike or disagreement, and never as a weapon to destroy, hurt or intimidate others. The early surge in meditation brings this truth into view. The saint-poet Thiruvalluvar describes anger in a Kural as a double-edged sword that destroys the one who faces it and the one who wields it as well. To reduce it, tame the mind first with constant awareness, which comes from regular meditation.

How Does a Meditator Carry This Into Daily Life?

Meditation is more than sitting with closed eyes. Awareness can accompany eating, walking, speaking, working and resting, and a meditator who brings awareness and love to daily tasks stays in the meditative state from morning till night. Over time, life itself becomes meditation, and the emotions that once ruled the day are seen from afar.

The mind, once understood and tamed, becomes the friend that helps a seeker realise the true Self. Self-realisation comes through a realised Guru's grace.

Key Takeaway

An emotion is controlled by being watched, never by being pushed down. A person who watches the mind and its pattern sees an emotion rise and fall, recognises that the self stands apart from it and lets the breath settle anger. Decide nothing in the dark phase of the mind; wait for it to turn and respond after the wait instead of reacting. Regular meditation burns the impressions away, and a meditator carries awareness into daily life.

FAQs

How do you control your emotions without suppressing them? Watch the emotion and the pattern of the mind behind it, and neither push it down nor feed it. Suppressed feeling gathers in the unconscious mind and bursts out later, whereas a watched emotion rises, peaks and passes.

What should a person do when anger rises suddenly? See the anger with awareness and detach from it. Regulating the breath watchfully is an easier, indirect route, and the anger subsides gradually.

Why does a mood change suddenly for no reason? The mind is never stable and swings between its dark and bright phases. A sudden turn from happy to sad can also come from somebody else's mind, and the swing goes unnoticed until awareness is brought to it.

How long should a person wait before reacting? Wait until the mind turns from its dark phase to its bright one. The saint described above waited a full day, and a reply given after the wait is a response, not a reaction.

Can meditation burn away negative emotions? Meditation is a fire that burns away negative emotions and qualities, and it is the antidote to anger, wrath, lust and jealousy. Leave the mind in its natural state and keep on meditating while the impressions burn away.

Is it wrong to feel or show anger? Anger is an accessory for expressing dislike or disagreement, and it turns wrong only when used as a weapon to destroy, hurt or intimidate others. Its early surge in meditation vanishes without ill effect.

Are my emotions really me? Neither thoughts nor emotions make up the self. A meditator learns to see them from afar and leaves them unaltered.